In the darkness something lurks. While I lie cuddled in bed, dreaming of white wine and sunshine, and blissfully unaware, a monster is clawing its way along the bottom of my bed.
And then… as one pink toe slides out from under the blanket… it strikes with the power of 7kgs of airborne cat. Its claws razor sharp from weeks of destroying the couches, in retaliation for a 10-hour flight from South Africa. Its breath putrid with the smell of poorly digested catfood.
It is Cthulhu – the Crawling Darkness – and she has been unleashed on an unsuspecting Amsterdam population…
While I have been wrapping up and staying indoors during the first snow of the season, my beloved furry beasties have been demanding the chance to go out and introduce themselves to the neighbours.
They usually do this using one of three methods:
- Swatting my face repeatedly, while I lie in bed in the dark (Cthulhu – the giant African wildcat / silver tabby).
- Mewling pitifully (Pavlov – the Russian Blue)
- Eating my puzzle pieces, gloves, hats and food (Napoleon – the Burmese). He intersperses the wholesale destruction of my home with his own brand of Burmese bird songs, which sound something like this:
For the sake of my sanity, the monsters have been permitted to explore outside and, after initially bolting away from the ice, they have used every outdoor opportunity to embarrass me in front of the neighbours, as I run into their gardens after my cats, who are:
- scratching other people’s outdoor furniture
- beating up their cats
- taunting local dogs
- reducing the bird population
How many unsuspecting birds become victims of cats like mine? Here, the Oatmeal explains it.
But in spite of this, it is hard not to love these fuzzy psychopaths. They make this place feel like home, and keep my busy.
I, in the meantime, have found volunteering work to do, which starts on Thursday. I also have a second interview on 6 Feb to keep me distracted.
If you like cats and cat humour, check out How to Pet A Cat on the Oatmeal.